It was a pleasant day, sunny outside, hot air blowing into my room. I was lying diagonally in my bed, one leg dangling at the corner, watching the blades of my ceiling fan move out of my vision, one after another. Many things yearned my attention. I could read a book, play a game, watch a movie, or even go for a walk. I was looking forward to this day, but maybe I woke up on the wrong side of bed, or maybe I envisioned this day differently. No matter, I was frozen, engulfed in my own thoughts of nothingness. Bad thoughts, good thoughts, weird thoughts, all mixed into one. I wanted to bury myself into a burrow and wake up again on the same day. Alas, there I lie, watching my ceiling fan.
This feeling of being sucked out from my own body, just to watch myself in third person as I lie in bed, was an undesired feeling that materialized only in the past few years. What gave birth to this abomination? I’m not really sure. It might have been the growing responsibilities of adulthood and will pass as I get older, or maybe it was this new lone wolf facade that I so proudly wear and will pass after I build new relationships, or maybe I always felt like this at times, and I just didn’t know the words to express it and is something I have to learn to live with.
It still feels weird saying I have anxiety. Maybe it’s because I’m self diagnosed and a part of me feels like I’m lying to myself for attention. I’m certain it’s not just overthinking as I also know what that feels like. Everyone feels anxious I know, but I have “bad anxiety”, the thing that’s hard to explain. Perhaps I lie somewhere along the anxiety spectrum or maybe this is something completely different. Nevertheless, I use the word “anxiety”, as it’s the only word that kind of encapsulates my feelings, and it also inadvertently puts me at ease because of the false feeling of control.
The cause and complexities regarding my anxiety is for my future therapist to solve. All I can do right now is cope with it. As I see it, a bad day, so that a good day can follow. I don’t know why I’m writing this blog, as I don’t know what I’m trying to convey with this. Maybe I just wanted to get this out of my chest or maybe I’m writing this to let others on the same boat, know they’re not alone. That, it’s okay to feel these things, to not have an answer and to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I don’t have an answer but just know you’re not alone, as I’m not alone.
