I’ve been living through my to-do list for the past year, or I hope it’s only been that long. Everything I do is on “the list”, my list, yet not really mine. Whenever anything I want to do comes up in my head, I write it down on my to-do list. It’s synced with my phone and PC, so it’s always right in front of me, daring me to cross it off. It doesn’t matter how small or inconsequential it is, if I need to do it it goes on the list. This has been my routine for the past year or so.
I had something to do every free second. I know for some this might sound like a nightmare, but I was actually loving it. I was at my most productive phase, where nothing could go past me without me making the best of it. You know how when you do something productive and you feel like you’re getting ahead and beating life? Well that was me everyday. It was a high like none other. But like always, I took it too far.
Why be so productive? So that you can enjoy your free time stress free right? Well that is what I had hoped as well, but it turned out contradictory. Whenever I got free time, instead of enjoying the time doing something I loved, I was indecisive, glued to the predefined to-do list. It’s a weird state of unknowingness where you’re unable to act in the present as you have become chained to the tasks set by your past, or the lack of. When the to-do list was empty, I felt empty as well. So to cope I set tasks for the future. It’s a vicious cycle. One with productivity to gain and joy to loss.
I wish I had an immediate solution for this that I could show off right now. I wish I could have gloated over my triumph but as with everything, the answer is a work in progress. The unknown gray zone of balance between “things you have to do” and “things you want to do” is the answer. Having structure in one’s life, yet not always sticking with a plan is a skill I wish to acquire in this sooner, rather than later. Funnily the lesson my to-do taught me was it’s sometimes necessary to not do something and just waste time.
